Why I Need to Make Amends
I’ve betrayed myself thousands of times in countless ways. Now, if I even think of sacrificing another piece of myself, my body quickly goes into full red alert. And I don’t blame ‘her’, because for so long I ignored the quiet warnings when:
My stomach was in knots as I took her places where she didn’t feel safe, or
My chest was tight, as if in a vice, as I let a manager take advantage of my trust, or
The cloud of depression erased my joy as I accepted the shame that belonged to someone else.
I didn’t protect her. I didn’t stand up for her. And maybe worst of all, I didn’t believe her when she tried to tell me - we are worth more.
And now, she doesn’t trust me. So if there is even a hint of betrayal, she screams with:
Heartburn so strong my once sweet voice is turned hoarse, or
Pain so raw I can’t stand the clothes on my back, or
Exhaustion so heavy I can’t carry it out of my bedroom.
All this time, I thought it was my will against hers. And I had tried to play nice and make it up to her without ever really admitting I was wrong. Sure, our relationship is way better than it used to be, but unresolved issues always find their way to the surface. Today, I finally faced the issue head-on, and now I see my ignorance. She never betrayed me. It was me who betrayed her.
With that revelation, I can begin to make amends. Today I will sincerely start to earn her trust back. My mind is finally committed to being a team player. After all, we have big dreams to chase, ones that no longer require betrayal as payment.
For so long, self-care was something I did if I had some spare time. I would burn the candle at both ends and stuff my feelings and any internal objections to the relentless pace of my life. I learned the hard way that taking time for yourself is not some trivial carrot to be dangle in front of a languishing human being; self-care is the precious fuel that allows one to shine their brightest.
My self-love journey has been fraught with detours; sadly, there were a few that I almost didn’t find my way out of. To the women who read this, follow me, sit in my makeup chair, or come to my treatment room; I wrote this so you would know why I am so passionate about what I do. So here is my heart and all my many mistakes laid bare for you to see. I understand the allure of putting yourself last, but I also know the cost to your body, mental health, and relationships. I found a better way, and that is why I do what I do.